Nothing EVER stays the same. and it sucks. when my world is perfect i just want to pause i so my life will stay good for forever. Hard times make you appreciate the good ones. I don't like them though. But i am super good at faking a smile.
i am sick today. and it sucks. i am in boliva. this is not america i keep telling myself. i dont have my mommy to make me feel better. or even my friends to bring me slurpees. and i dont even get chicken noodle soup. i guess this is step one of me learning how to be a big girl and take care of myslef. i rely on others so much. and much too often they let me down. and if i let myself down then, i guess i will have to get over it.
So a lot of things are new in my life right now. new country new family new friends new boyfriend trying new things which has ultimately lead me to have a new outlook on life. and i guess this new outlook on life has made me a whole lot HAPPIER. and i guess its weird for me. but its new. and like all my other new things- its going to take some getting used to.
ah now only 2 weeks left. i am dying. i want to get out of here so bad. here is so boring. I AM DESPERATE FOR CHANGE. Routine is getting old. My life is going places. and this year no one is going to hold me back. 4.0 here i come. If i don't want to do something this year, I WON'T. I am so tired of being so nice.
Well I haven't written in here for awhile. But no one reads this so why bother. I go to Bolivia 15 days from today. And I am seriously counting down every second. I mean i like where i live but I am desperate for an escape. And i am not saying just because i want to get away means i want to get away from everyone, some people yes, but others are just live here and leaving here means leaving them. To me the most annoying thing EVER is when people compare apples to oranges. Like when you say you miss someone, and someone else says but you still have me or what about me? It Aggravates me like none other. Yes i know i still have you, but i have you, therefore do not miss you. Sometimes the "YOU's" make your days worse and not better. Sometimes the "YOU's" don't realize that people have more than one friend they miss. I am a weird sort of person and i promise myself lots of things. And i find "YOU's" getting in the way of keeping these promises i make to myself. I find "YOU's" trying to hold me back all the time. I don't just have one you that is the problem. I have tons. Everyone is a "YOU" sometimes. How often are you the "YOU" i am talking about? I know i am like this sometimes. But I for one hate "YOU'S" - Everyone does. So lets make the world a better place and not be "YOU'S". Because "YOU's" are pathetic and DO NOT know how to stand alone. So point blank don't be a "YOU".
So I usually let myself get hurt easily. But not this time. I am not going to let it hurt. I am a great person. I have so much going for me. I can basically get into any college that I want. I know that I am better than her. And that's good enough for me. And now I am done being hurt. The end. I have had enough hurt lately.
So i have decided that me and my bestie are like buckwheat and porky from the little rascals. i am buckwheat and she is porky. i mean they are so much like us. they are hilarious. and cute as hecka. and a little retarded. but i love her. and we are crazy. Just go watch the little rascals its hecka funny and like i wish i could be cool enough to say its my life story but its not even close.
Here is the deal. I HATE PLAYERS. I get attached so easily that it is annoying. And I know that I am setting myself up for hurt right now. I mean I KNOW that he is a player. And I know that he is playing me. I DO NOT GET PLAYED. I will not get played or I will hurt you just as bad as you hurt me. A let me tell you "sweetheart" it will hurt if you decide to be a player. I can tell you one thing right now. I am so much prettier than she will ever be that is for sure. I am not a slut, ho, or whore. We have gone over that. I mean HELLO stupid I have never kissed anyone. So what the hell makes you think you can play me? If this would have been a little bit earlier I wouldn't care. But now you are one of the 4 boys who has ever even held my hand. And the only one that has treated me like you do. You made me feel so special. Please don't hurt me. Because after last night, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT LIKE YOU? There isn't a way. It's inevitable now. NO ONE has ever made me feel as good as you make me feel.
I've given up on giving up slowly, I'm blending in so you won't even know me, apart from this whole world that shares my fate. This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption because I know to live you must give your life away. And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because I gotta get outta here I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake I gotta get outta here And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape. I'm giving up on doing this alone now Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there And this life sentence that I'm serving I admit that I'm every bit deserving But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because I gotta get outta here Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake I gotta get outta here And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape.
I am a hostage to my own humanity Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made And all I'm asking is for You to do what You can with me But I can't ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because I've gotta get outta here I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake I've gotta get outta here And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape.
I fought You for so long I should have let You in Oh how we regret those things we do And all I was trying to do was save my own skin But so were You
I love happy days. it reminds me of welcome week at school. Those were such good days. today was one of those good days It just seemed so blissful and perfect. i loved every second of it. its the end of the school year, so we do nothing at school. my friends were all so chill today. and we had SO much fun. i don't think i have had that much fun in awhile. I love it when i just have a magical days. My life just seems so good. I feel at peace. Bolivia is only a month away. Life is good. I don't want to think about the future right now. and i usually day dream about it.
but the present is so good right now, there really isn't a need for me to think of whats in the future. and that is so weird for me. I am so used to anticipating it. I am having to adjust to just living in the present. Strange. Huh?